If you have never worked in retail, this story will probably trigger you in some form, as you are probably guilty of one or more of these questions.
Before I get into the top ten things retail workers would love to respond with when answering your questions, let me preface this story by stating that I enjoyed working in retail. 99% of all my customers were lovely people. It’s the 1% percent that desperately needed to be publicly humiliated. Also, by 1%, I am not referring to the envy-filled rage, media-inspired war on wealthy people.
The 1% I am alluding to ask stupid questions such as, “Excuse me, can I ask you a quick question?” We are already replying in our heads, “You just did, Skippy.” We also know from experience that there is no such thing as “a quick question.”
“A quick question” is a loaded belt of ammunition on a 50-caliber machine gun waiting for us to press the trigger by responding, “Sure, what can I do for you?” Of course, we respond with our best retail voices because management has urged us repeatedly to leave our sarcasm voices in the employee lounge. However, now that the bullets are locked and loaded in our sarcastic little minds, you may see us wince in pain as we bite our cheeks to suppress offending you.
Now before all of you, redneck gun-toting country boys and card-carrying members of the NRA blast me about the phrase “press the trigger,” the M2 Browning 50 cal machine gun I am referring to from my Army days has a trigger mechanism that is pressed, not pulled. Kindly fuck off here and now with whatever opinion on weapons, you might have.
Before discussing number one any further, let’s get to the other nine.
10. Excuse me, do you work here?
Now, most retail establishments have their employees wear an article of clothing or an accessory that visually identifies them as employees. Since these uniforms, aprons, smocks, hats, or name tags do not come in braille, I’m sure all retail workers will instantly forgive a blind person for asking that question. However, here is what some of us want to say to all others.
“No fuckface, I wear this hat and apron to pick up chicks. What’s your wife’s cell phone number?”
This is a fireable offense, so it is rarely said outside the breakroom.
9. How come this is more expensive in the store than online?
Without divulging trade secrets, the simple answer is convenience. Stocking an item in a brick and mortar store costs more than stocking it in a distribution center or a warehouse. The well-rehearsed answer started churning in my head when you uttered “more expensive.” Other workers may have different scenarios with similar outcomes, but my favorite is as sarcastic as they come.
“It’s simple, Sir. When you order online, we don’t have to deal with your stupid questions, which keep us from stocking the shelves in the store. We also enjoy holding a gun to your head and charging you an extra 50 cents for the convenience of shopping here, instead of on a computer which you are clearly too stupid to use in the first place.”
8. “Yo, Buddy! Where are the (insert any retail item here) at?”
In all fairness, this question happens way too often and usually while we are trying to help someone else. Naturally, whatever you are looking for is more important than waiting your turn, saying “excuse me,” or exercising 30 seconds of patience. Trust me, we see you and will attend to your needs. But since you so rudely interject yourself in front of other customers being helped, let me tell you how this one plays out in my warped little cranium.
Employee: “How did you know my name was, Buddy?”
Customer: “I just guessed.”
Employee: “Well then, you can just guess where the god damn tampons are or wait for your fucking turn, Sparky.”
Another terminable offense, but when spruced up for language, can be delivered on any retail sales floor. It provides a good-natured customer and the employee a great laugh and is a beautiful ice breaker.
7. “Can I pay for this here?”
To be honest, this is a valid question in certain circumstances. Anywhere there is a kiosk or service area, for instance. However, standing in the middle of aisle 12 at your local big-box store is not one of those places. Sarcasm deserves to rear its ugly head simply because the obvious answer in aisle twelve with no kiosk present is, “No, you may not.” Let’s face it, if it is blatantly apparent that there is nowhere to pay in the aisle, our outside voice echoes in the dark recesses of our heads as we bite our tongues so as not to blurt out something like this.
“Sure, asshole, I have a cash register in my back pocket. Good luck leaving the store, though. Our Loss Prevention Specialist is here and is quite pissed off because people keep asking him where the feminine hygiene products are.”
That’s another good way to get promoted to customer.
6. “How do I use this product?”
This is a loaded question that tests my patience 5 times a day. The back story here is that the manufacturer has tested and figured out the best way to use the said product on nearly every product sold globally. They consider safety, application, ease of use, durability, weather, temperature, and where it will be used… The list is endless. From this research, they develop the directions and put them on the package. Usually, in 400 different languages in a typeface so small, Donald Trump’s IQ looks huuuge in comparison.
In turn, most stores provide training for the employees who sell these products so they can tell the customer the proper way to use them. That is until John Q. Publicobitch (pronounced pub-leek-o-bitch) enters the store.
John Q. Publicobitch is the customer that just does not want to do it the way the manufacturer recommends. From my experience, they are usually Eastern European or from one of the Soviet Bloc countries and are generally quite stubborn. They have no clue what they are doing, and while you’re explaining how to use the product, they will rattle off twenty different scenarios that have nothing to do with the use of the product just to sound knowledgeable.
These are the same people you see in the back of an ambulance on your way home from work. Or, you might find them on America’s Funniest Home Videos taking a remote-controlled plane to the nutsack. If they have pushed me this far, my brain is screaming at me to say something sarcastic.
“Sure. Go ahead and do that. And when it’s all fucked up, you can go on social media and bitch to the world about how the product sucks instead of explaining why you aren’t the biggest douche in the universe. Take it and get the hell out. Stop by aisle six and get some burn cream and bandages. You’re going to need them, shithead.”
This one will definitely get you in dutch with HR.
5. “I purchased this here five years ago and can’t find it. Why not?”
This is a statement combined with a question. This one is usually a double-edged sword disguised as a polite elderly lady with blue hair. It is also a can of worms sitting at an angle in a windstorm and will monopolize 25 minutes of our time mainly because they are lonely.
This is usually a brand loyal customer asking, and you don’t want to offend them because they are brand loyal. They are very likely company loyal as well and a great repeat customer.
The downside is because this is a brand and company loyal customer, you need to be extra polite as they haven’t realized that the product they want was recalled four years ago because the Chinese were adding obscene amounts of lead and melamine. There is no easy way to answer this other than being as helpful and discreet as possible. However, my inner voice is always ready to challenge my customer service skills.
“It’s illegal to own this product, ma’am. Please come with me, the police will be here momentarily. In the meantime, let me offer you this substitute at a ridiculously reduced price to make you happy while you rot away the final days of your wretched life in jail.”
Okay, that’s a little harsh, but we all have bad days.
4. “Are you closing?”
No shit. People ask this as you are locking the door. I am damn sure this question is asked once a day in at least one town in every state of this gorgeous capitalistic country. Why? Because any schmuck who is running to the door as you are about to close knows it to be accurate but vehemently denies it because, after all, they are God, and you will honor thy king. Their egos will not allow them to believe they shouldn’t be allowed to shop after closing hours.
Out of breath and desperate for one of the store scooters, which are finally all plugged in and charging, God will insist he or she only needs one thing and knows right where it is.
Bullshit! If you knew right where it was, you would also see the store closing at eleven o’clock. This is the same God who sat around all freaking day in his pajamas, then decided he couldn’t live without a coat rack at five minutes to eleven.
Doing the right thing, you tell the deity to come in and grab what is needed as the closing cashier scowls and flips you off with both middle fingers while mouthing the words, “You fucking asshole, I want to go home.” Twenty minutes later, Zeus is finally checking out with a box of eyehooks and six bags of beef jerky because you haven’t stocked lead-coated melamine coat racks since their recall four years ago. It’s also evident from all the jerky the Lord’s heart couldn’t wait until morning for another dose of sodium-infused meat. Fuck off, God. We want to go home also. Just ask the closing cashier.
3. “Can I get a refund on this?”
Refunds are a part of doing business, and this cost is factored into the daily operating budgets of all corporate retailers. In all honesty, most refunds are valid and done in good faith by 99 percent of all people seeking a refund. Once again, it’s that 1 percent who are jerks. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re the asshole that buys a dress, wears it to the club, and brings it back the next day with a button missing and reeking of perfume. You also yell because somehow that gives you the authority to justify, “It came that way!”
The refund clerk doesn’t give a damn about your sob story. They know you are lying and honestly only think about their next break or when they get to leave. They have also adopted the mentality of, “Fuck it, it’s not my money,” so again, what time is break is about as engaged as they will become as they passively go through the motions.
It is the employee working for the store and considering a career with the company that is offended and will make your return as tricky as possible. They will do what is right, within reason. Still, they will also put you through the wringer asking for receipts, identification, the exact reason for the return, what credit card you used, and finally, only issue a store credit. This forces you to shop there again. (We don’t want you to, but the company does.) It’s kind of like Vegas. The house always gets its cut. Albeit, even a good employee, can be pushed, and at one point or another, they are thinking…
“Listen, Karen, you dumb slut. You probably popped the button getting out of the dress in the men’s room at the club.”
Long story short, if you’re going to return something, don’t lie about it.
2. “Can I speak to your manager?”
You know you’ve gone too far when this question is asked, but not far enough. That is because flipping burgers isn’t worth getting fired over the shit this asshole has been spewing for the last ten minutes.
It is a valid question, though, and there are many times when it is not an employee being disrespectful but a customer wanting something neither the employee nor the store can accomplish.
Naturally, that won’t stop this foul-smelling, sweaty-ass, double caramel latte-swilling pig in front of you from demanding to see the manager.
Fortunately, most managers worth their salt have seen it all and do their best to bolster the employee while accommodating the customer. These are the managers that most employees will bust their asses for because they understand those managers have their backs. Sometimes, we are reluctant to call the manager. Other times, we are happy to. But… in the back of our little heads, we are thinking…
“I’m sorry, our manager was killed in a violent paint shaker accident last week when a can of periwinkle blue deck stain exploded. I’m the acting manager. What might I do for you?”
On a quick side note, impersonating the manager is grounds for dismissal.
And the number one question all retail workers hate? You guessed it.
1. “S’cuse, please! Can I ask a quick question?”
As any good social media Grammar-Nazi will point out, the correct question is and always will be, “May I ask you a quick question?” However, a Grammar-Nazi ranks right up there with attorneys, politicians, and psychologists in my book. Additionally, this question is clearly being asked by a person who may not have a solid grasp of English.
The compelling thing about this question is that they have already answered it simply by asking that particular question. However, they are too ignorant or lazy to see the error of their ways.
Is this question rhetorical? What if we say no? Do we have a choice? Can we just stand here staring at the shelves and pretend to not hear you? Is this guy serious? What would happen if this shelf fell over on this customer? How would she look with her hair on fire? What if I were to slit my wrists right now with a boxcutter? Is my shift over? Why do I get all the assholes? These are the ten questions we ask ourselves. Are you seeing the trend yet? If so, you probably work in retail.
Another thing. There is no such thing as a quick question in retail. Quick questions do not exist. Sure, “Do you have a bathroom I can use?” can be considered a quick question. But then, you selfish, entitled little bastards get greedy and follow up with, “Where is it? Do I need a key? Can I take my cart in there? Can you show me where it is?” “While I got you, can I ask you another quick question?”
These are valid questions, but you’re cutting into our lunch hour, butt-face. Go crap outside under the old oak tree and tie the yellow ribbon around your neck while defecating.
Anyway, are you beginning to see my point?
Let’s “role play” since corporations love this training exercise in their rubrics.
Customer: “S’cuse, please! Can I ask quick question?”
Employee: Rolls his eyes and swallows real hard to clear his throat of the rising bile while glancing at a smartwatch to see if ventricular fibrillation has started. Most will politely answer… “Absolutely.” When what they want to say is, “You just did, dickhead.”
Customer: “I want to paint porch; can I use this paint?”
Employee: “No, Sir, that is interior wall paint. It will not stand up to the foot traffic, and you would be wasting your money. May I recommend a porch, floor, and patio paint specifically designed to meet your needs?”
Customer: “I saw those. Very ‘spensive. I use this. Maybe put primer on top when I am done… you know, to protect.”
Employee: “Again, Sir, I cannot recommend wall paint for a floor in good faith. And a primer on top will not protect the paint. Primer is used as a base coat to provide good adhesion between the surface and the paint.”
Customer: “Yes, I know, but John Q. Publicobitch has a YouTube channel in Serbia with fifty-one subscribers. He says you can do in a pinch.”
Employee: “WOW! That is an impressive number of subscribers to his channel. Are you subscribed?”
(This is something you say which is designed to build a connection between you and the customer.)
Customer: “Yes. He is brother. We have same mother.”
Employee: “You are related to a YouTube star? Look at you go! I am subscribed to the manufacturer of these paints. They have over a million subscribers and spent over 470 million dollars on research and development in 2018. But your brother… WOW! He is up and coming.”
Customer: “I know! The family’s very proud. We buy him new Sony Mavica video camera on eBay. No more floppy disk. Has memory card. Videos are much more improved. 720 SD! As good as 1080 HD and almost as good as 4K, I tell him, but half the price.”
Employee: “That’s awesome. I’ll be sure to check out his channel tonight and subscribe.”
Customer: “You do that for us? America is, truly great country!”
Employee: “Sir, I’m not trying to insult your brother; Lord knows, because of his YouTube fame, he has a piece of superior knowledge to these products which I have not yet learned about. I would encourage you to try the floor paint, though. Perhaps he could make a video showing you using the product? I’ll bet he picks up more subscribers too!”
Customer: “Maybe I could do that. Is so ‘spensive, though. Do you give discount?”
Employee: “I really shouldn’t, but… since you are related to a famous YouTube star, perhaps I can knock off a couple of bucks.”
Customer: “That would be wonderful! Yes! I phone brother and tell him good news.”
Employee: “What color would you like the paint to be sir?”
Customer: “I choose color?”
Employee: “Absolutely!”
Customer: “What color can I choose?”
Employee: “Go right over to that display. There are over 1,200 color choices for this product.”
Customer: “Can you make periwinkle blue? I like because, it reminds me of moose and squirrel when they blow up Boris and Natasha’s car.”
Employee: “You got it, sir.”
Customer: “One other thing, can I ask you another quick question?”
Employee: “Sure fuckface, just let me call the unemployment office quickly to see what time I can stop by this afternoon.”